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Petri Dish
A miniature arena in which one may observe the effect of toxins upon a living culture. |
Ph.D.
A good doctor whose writing and lecturing style successfully cures the average student of any hunger for knowledge. |
Pheromones
Sexually compelling scents wafted into the air by primitive creatures to lure potential mates from great distances, as may be witnessed on the Costa del Sol in summer. |
Philistine
The uncouth bully who knocks the glasses off the sensitive little bookworm, then proceeds to outearn him, outlive him and have more fun in the process. |
Phobia
A minor form of cowardice peculiar to the age of specialization, when lifts, bridges, cats and cobwebs are capable of inflicting terrors that used to be reserved for imminent death and eternal damnation. |
Photojournalist
A paparazzo with a college degree. |
Pimp
Agent and business manager for a lady of the streets; a natural entrepreneur who rents out captive human beings for profit, then spends his fortune on ornamental hats. |
Pizza
A giant communion wafer shared by celebrants of the great god Gluttony, generally after prolonged disputations concerning the nature and number of the holy toppings. |
Plagiarism
Failure to adorn stolen ideas with footnotes, as opposed to scholarship, which repeatedly acknowledges the theft. |
Plastic
That which never decays, even when we want it to; a cheap universal substitute for wood, metal, paper, cloth, human flesh and other archaic natural materials that tend to go bad. Atoms of this substance (listed as Ps on the Periodic Table) are thought to possess a half-life exceeding the span of time remaining to our solar system, but in all likelihood nobody will be around to verify this theory in person. |
