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Narcotic
Anything habit-forming that dulls the senses and induces sleep, like an all-night cable news programme or a Henry James novel; less addictive alternatives include economics textbooks and insurance salesmen. |
National Curriculum
A harness devised by educational bureaucrats to turn thoroughbred teachers into cart horses. |
National Park
A primeval wilderness set aside by the government for invasion by armies of rabid holidaymakers. |
Native American
Culturally sensitive nomenclature for the people from whom a continent was swiped; a misguided attempt to confer dignity on the remnants of a dignified race, ignoring the fact that anyone born on American soil - whether of Irish, African, Chinese or Latvian parentage - may justifiably lay claim to the same title. |
Natural Fibres
The threads favoured by fashionable young people who prefer their wrinkles to be confined to their clothing; also popular with older folks who hope those wrinkles will make their faces look pristine by comparison. |
Natural Selection
The reproductive screening process by which the gods determine whose genes will represent the future of the species, based solely on a proclivity for fruitful sex; a phenomenon that does not bode well for monks, nerds, women with ticking clocks, reclusive scholars, a significant percentage of interior decorators, and their mild-mannered gentlefolk. Proof positive that Providence favours the lusty over the learned, and that human evolution will eventually return us to our rowdy Paleolithic roots. |
Near-death Experience
The light at the end of the tunnel, reported as reassuring evidence of a hereafter by people who have danced on the edge of eternity and lived to tell about it; unfortunately we have yet to hear any reliable reports from those who have actually plunged over the brink. |
Necktie
A decorative noose worn by businessmen. |
Negotiating
The art of persuading your opponent to take the nice shiny copper penny and give you the wrinkled old paper money. |
Neighbours
The strangers who live next door. |
