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Laboratory Animals
Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science. Some die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo. |
Lady
A gentle creature who spoke in melodious tones and wore a corset around her earthly desires, at least in public. A seriously endangered species, now approaching extinction as careerism and comedy clubs sweep across its former range. |
Lawn
The pride of suburbia: natural house-to-house carpeting, available only in a single shade of green. Must be trimmed weekly unless the owner intends to grow a miniature prairie, which supports a multitude of wildlife and billows wonderfully in the wind, but tends to incite class-action lawsuits by one's less imaginative neighbours. |
Lawn Ornaments
Outdoor sculpture for the artistically innocent, who take pleasure in the contrasting tonalities of flamingo and grass, or in the cheery faces of red-nosed garden gnomes. |
Lawsuit
The attempted conversion of a personal grievance into a personal fortune; a contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute. |
Lawyer
A professional advocate hired to bend the law on behalf of a paying client; for this reason considered the most suitable background for entry into politics. |
Lecher
A stud with liver spots. |
Lecture Circuit
An opportunity for retired statesmen and ageing authors to earn a secretary's yearly salary in a single day, thereby enabling them to approach the income bracket of an adolescent sitcom star. |
Leftist
A liberal who bites. |
Legalese
A richly convoluted dialect spoken by lawyers and used by them on important documents so that the rest of us have no choice but to hire their services as translators. |
