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College Board Scores
The standardized rating we foolishly thought would determine the quality of our future. In later life, one of few remaining scraps of evidence intelligent washouts can use to compare themselves favourably with the corporate jocks who invariably leapfrog over them. |
Comic Books
Literature for the semiliterate; art or the artless; frozen Saturday-morning television. A bonanza for anyone who saves the first issue of Crabman or The Avenging Mollusk. |
Commercials
Maddeningly memorable messages occasionally interrupted by several minutes of forgettable programming. |
Commitment
Surrendering our personal freedom so that we might enter a long-term relationship or a mental ward. The latter option at least promises peaceful afternoons in the company of our peers, colouring with crayons or rolling little sausages out of clay. |
Committee
A grotesque creature with multiple heads and twice as many feet, no three of them pointing in the same direction. |
Communism
Liberation of the people from the burdens of liberty. A twentieth-century epidemic that killed off the healthy opposition and kept the remaining comrades in a comatose state for generations, although a few of them were revived sufficiently every four years to win the Olympics. |
Commuters
Dedicated masochists who venture miles out of their way to find trouble. |
Competition
The timeless struggle to secure a favourable niche in the presence of one's rivals, as practised by walruses that lock tusks over a harem of walrettes, or the twenty-seven brands of tortilla chip that commit mayhem for a place on our kitchen shelf. |
Computer
A nimble electronic brain devoid of animal passions and human wit, and therefore admirably suited to the contemporary corporate environment. |
Computer Literacy
Ability to move words on a screen without ever appreciating their capacity to move minds. |
