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Cable TV
A household convenience that multiplies our entertainment options so we can entirely dispense with friends, conversation, reading, our mates and other archaic diversions. |
Cadaver
A supporting player who ends up on the cutting-room floor. A physician's first patient, and the only one who absolutely cannot die or sue for malpractice. Also the reason most medical students never feel the need to attend horror films. |
Camouflage
A protective mechanism used by the vulnerable to blend in with the background, as with certain insects, military personnel, or white people who use phrases like 'I can dig it' when addressing an Afro-Caribbean audience. |
Campaign
A form of courtship in which rival suitors vie for the hand of a woman who has been wooed, won and abandoned countless times before. |
Camping
An excursion that enables nature-starved city-dwellers to commune with the wild and its inhabitants, particularly the mosquitoes. |
Cancer
A family of insidious wasting diseases caused by virtually everything one eats, breathes or touches in modern industrialized society. Also thought to result from repression of anger, unlike heart attack, which snuffs out those who express their anger. |
Canonization
Posthumous elevation to sainthood; a state of grace attained by religious leaders through miracles, by politicians via assassination, and by rock stars as a result of a timely drug overdose. |
Capitalist
A host who orders his guests to prepare a lavish multi-course dinner, then proceeds to devour the largest and choicest portions himself. |
Capital Punishment
The controversial right of the state to end a life by gassing, shooting, hanging, needling or quick-frying; believed effective as a deterrent to future crimes by the same individual. The common fate of incorrigible convicts and homeless pets. |
Caravan Sites
Latter-day gypsy camps; humble places of abode where aspirations die young, and every third resident wears a tattoo. |
