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Author
A writer with connections in the publishing industry. |
Author Tour
A grinding, stress-laden two-week show-business gig for just-published litterateurs, some of whom might have to settle for posthumous fame. |
Autoeroticism
A solo act generally practised behind closed doors except by monkeys and a few of the more prestigious pop-music idols. |
Autograph
A sample of penmanship freely given by the great to their awestruck admirers, and sold by football heroes to little boys. Also a commodity priced according to current tastes, which explains why an Ian Botham fetches more than a Norman Lamont. |
Auto Mechanic
A grimy surgeon who operates in a garage and rarely loses a patient, although he sometimes performs unnecessary organ transplants to boost his income. |
Automobile
A gas-guzzling horse on wheels; source of mobility for the masses, status for status seekers, exhilaration for the restless and sudden death for the unwary. Progenitor of suburbs, shopping malls, motels, traffic jams, BABY ON BOARD signs, drive-in banks and endless rivers of asphalt. |
Avant-garde
The people who design the emperor's new clothes. |
Award Show
A televised contest in which the suspense builds as performing millionaires vie to see who can stage the most embarrassing spectacle. Winning techniques include gratuitous gushing, serial name-dropping, revealing more than the usual expanse of breast area (for either sex), or making self-congratulatory political statements on behalf of oppressed indigenous peoples. |
