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Arts
A family of academic disciplines embracing the sublimest achievements of humankind in literature, art, philosophy, and music through the ages; the traditional education for a lifetime of social maladjustment, periodic unemployment, teeth-gnashing and a wide range of underpaid careers. |
Asphalt
The hellish black substance used to pave the earth so that it might be made safe for automobiles. |
Assassin
A killer nerd with a sense of history; one who takes a shortcut to fame by sniping at the famous. |
Assembly Line
The notion that if a job is worth doing, it's worth repeating 9,614 times a day. |
Astrology
An ancient pseudoscience and bar-room conversation-starter founded on the premise that everyone born under the same stars will meet a dark stranger, receive a propitious business offer or suffer an attack of dyspepsia on the same day. |
Atheism
A godless religion that retains all the dogmatic posturing of the faiths it so confidently denies, with few of the consolations. |
Atom Bomb
A poison mushroom that may be served simultaneously to several million unsuspecting guests; a quick cure for international political tensions and the common cold. |
Attention Span
One of the traits that formerly separated our species from the lesser apes; a capacity for prolonged concentration developed through centuries of scrupulous discipline, and zapped back to prehistoric levels with the invention of the remote-control switch. |
Attitude
A precision-crafted peevishness widely practised by members of the under-thirty set, generally to elicit favourable hormonal responses from potential mates. Especially notable among rock stars and jeans models, whose sour faces aim at existential eloquence but more nearly suggest chronic bowel complaints. |
Audiophile
A techno-snob who continually brags about his ten-thousand-pound stereo equipment, esp. if it produces frequencies only his dog can hear. |
