Cynical Activities - S
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SHORT, BEING
Short children are at increased risk of high blood pressure In later life. Short men receive poorer educations (this may be because they spend half their schooldays being dangled over the banisters or shut into someone's locker), and are less likely to marry and have children fit's hard to impress girls when everybody calls you "Squirt"). Short people are more likely to get Alzheimer's (which is probably a blessing: who wants to remember that kind of life?). To add insult to Injury, there's that Randy Newman song about how you have no reason to live. |
SHYNESS
Shy schoolchildren do less well on tests; they can't get up the courage to ask the kid next to them for the answers. |
SITTING
Buddhists and other meditators take note: sitting for long periods without changing position is a risk factor for lower back disorders. If you reach an advanced enough state of mindfulness, you may be able to transcend the pain, but no studies have been done on this so far. (We have applied for government funding and will be keeping you updated. Meanwhile, keep meditating.) |
SKATING, IN-LINE
In-line skating injuries, 40 percent of which involve fractures or dislocations and 5 percent of which involve head injuries, cost almost $350 million annually for emergency-room visits alone. Always skate out of line. |
SKIING
Skiers suffer from knee conditions such as chondromalacia. Cross-country skiers are at risk of developing breathing problems such as spasms of the airways. We haven't seen any studies on what those tight pants do to you, but we can guess. |
SKIN CARE
If you're pregnant, you could damage your unborn child's health by using skin care products, including some herbal remedies, that are intended for purposes such as treating acne, promoting hair growth, or healing fungal conditions. Your baby's better off with a spotty, bald, moldy mother. |
SLEDDING
Sledding accidents, two-thirds of which are sustained by youths aged fourteen and under, result in medical, legal, and insurance costs of more than $350 million annually. Help the economy-buy your kid a sled. |
SLEEP, TOO LITTLE
A lack of sleep and is there anyone out there who's getting enough sleep? interferes with your body's ability to metabolize carbohydrates. This can increase the severity of diabetes, high blood pressure, and obesity. Staying awake for as little as seventeen to nineteen hours can reduce your physical and mental reaction times as much as two alcoholic drinks (and is a lot less fun); and regularly sleeping less than four hours a night significantly increases your death rate. In younger people, lack of sleep can lead to behavior problems, increased use of stimulants, poor performance in school, and greater risk of injury and death, especially in auto accidents. In older people, problems with sleeping can be followed by depression. Inadequate sleep can also cause premature aging. Photocopy this page for your boss next time he asks you to come to work early. |
SLEEP, TOO MUCH
And for the tiny percentage of you who get plenty of sleep: don't get too pleased with yourselves. Sleeping eight or more hours a night increases your risk of strokes and an early death. Excessive sleepiness, particularly in the daytime, may reflect hypersomnia or narcolepsy, a condition that can involve sudden losses of muscle tone, sleep paralysis, hypnagogic hallucinations, and lapses of memory. |
SLEEPING ON ONE SIDE
Habitually sleeping on one side may make the kidney on the weight-bearing side more likely to develop stones. Rumor has it that this may have been the way Isaac Newton really discovered gravity. |
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