Cynical Activities - C
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CIGARETTES, LOW-TAR
After you put so much effort into switching to low-tar cigarettes, we've got some bad news for you: it may have done you more harm than good. You'll just take longer and deeper drags, possibly increasing your risk of lung adenocarcinomas. |
CIGARS
A cigar isn't just a cigar: it's a health hazard (and a political hazard, too). Smoking cigars can give you oral, esophageal, laryn-geal, and lung cancers (although those aren't the ones Monica should worry about), as well as coronary heart disease and chronic obstructive lung disease. A misplaced cigar can also come (no pun intended) pretty close to getting you impeached. |
CIRCUMCISED, BEING
Circumcision can result in surgical complications, disfigure the penis, interfere with local blood circulation, disrupt the relationship between male babies and their mothers, and have bad effects on the brain's perception centers. Women enjoy sex less if their partners have been circumcised, and so do their partners. This may explain a lot of Woody Allen movies. |
CIRCUMCISED, NOT BEING
Don't cancel your son's bris just yet, though. Not being circumcised may increase his risk of contracting bladder infections, HIV, and penile cancer. |
CITIES
Children living in cities are more likely to have asthma. If you're a city-dweller, you're almost twice as likely as someone living in a rural area to be a victim of a personal crime, and you're much more likely to be murdered: the seventy-seven largest U.S. cities are home to 20 percent of the U.S. population but account for 50 percent of all homicides. On the other hand, you have a greatly reduced risk of being arrested for cow-tipping. |
CLEANLINESS
Bad news for obsessive-compulsives: if you're living in a spick-and-span environment with no bacteria or viruses around, your immune system may become weak from lack of exercise, triggering illnesses including asthma, allergies, autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis, and the most severe type of diabetes. The antibacterial agents in soaps, detergents, and sprays simply produce stronger bacteria that are resistant to these agents. |
COCAINE
Using cocaine can give you aneurysms in heart arteries, heart attacks, and strokes. It can also give you a police record and one-nostril syndrome. |
COFFEE, DRINKING
Drinking coffee can make anxiety and panic disorders worse (which explains a lot about New York), and it's been shown to harm the aorta. It also increases your risk of miscarriages and of developing carpal tunnel syndrome. Drinking unfiltered coffee can increase cholesterol levels. Smokers who drink coffee increase their risk of lung cancer. How has our society survived this long? |
COFFEE, NOT DRINKING
People who don't drink coffee (all four of you) are more likely to contract Parkinson's disease and, especially if they smoke, cancer of the bladder. |
COINS
Believe it or not, the hard-hearted types who claim you're hurting the homeless by giving them your spare change may actually have a point: nickels, dimes, quarters, and half-dollar coins all contain nickel, which can cause skin reactions in people with a nickel allergy. |
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